Today, it has become super obvious how lucky I am in a lot of respects. I have a life filled with people that are all amazing. We’re talking some seriously awesome people, all touching my life somehow. I fall in love with people very easily, for one thing. You don’t even have to be sexual with me, and I fall in love with you. This, as I see it – is only a good thing. The downside is my global reach of these people. Good, so good. Bad too, because I use the word love frequently, but not lightly. There are names for some of you, but these people are all over the World those that I *love* deeply. This means I miss them with great measure. Really, truly Miss them, with a capitol M.

I don't care about other folks who may be hesitant to express themselves as deeply or freely. Eat shit, and die. Word mechanics.

And because I went to TT, naturally my time off (paid anyway) is pretty light. I am waiting to bank more time. It happens relatively easily here at this place of employment, but at the same time I have a lot of people I want to see. People all over, like I said.
It’s worth it to have this dilemma. A few people I can think of right off, are both in and outside of the Bikram Yoga community.

There’s definitely Katty, Thomas, Gordon, Olga, Nancy, Ula, and yes I will be seeing Ann-Marie soon here at TT, and SALLIE!!!

And then there’s my CGW crew. Focusing on my Yoga-sphere, I have been unable to see Steve and Erin, Rachelle, Matty, and many others… due to this dilemma of awesome all over my life. I Miss them too!

Due to the yoga-rific parts of my life, I’ve been definitely hitting the plans to see first and foremost, Katty. She’s the most local. Vancouver BC is a stone throw away from the Seattle area. I also need to make time to fly down to San Fran eventually and pester Thomas. But that’s later. And of course, Gordon wants me to teach at his studio in NZ (yes you read that right) eventually.

And then there are those outside of the country (like Gordon.) Karoline, Renata, people I don’t know the nature or probability of seeing any time soon.
Anyway. This post really has more to do with the fact that there are people I am dying to see, miss seeing, am blessed to have spent everyday time with them for a period of time. I knew I was lucky with the opportunity at Teacher Training. I knew it was a beautiful thing, even if it was hard, a bit pain staking a times…
In other news.

It is also hard to squeeze in traveling sometimes, due to my life situations. Teaching, working at the Quah, taking care of the family right now. But fortunately for me, tomorrow I fly to LA to visit Spring Teacher Training 2012, to be on the “other” side, and later in the month, 21-24th, I will be going to Vancouver BC to see Aussie Joel and Katty once again – and mayyyybe, if I am lucky… Rachelle?! We’ll see.

The nature of this post definitely mirrors the fact that one day, I want to see these people again. And I want to keep them close to me somehow, even though I can’t see all of them immediately.

I think it’s possible. :)

If you are one of the people I have fallen for, don’t worry. I intend on finding you again :)
You may or may not know who you are.
And yes. Some of you are local to Seattle too. ;)

-Angela

My run schedule is working beautifully. My stamina is coming back quickly after taking a short spell off due to hamstring paranoia. Hamstring is healing beautifully also. I switched Yoga with a Run because I could not Run yesterday, and that is fine.

IT FEELS SO GOOD.

I feel great. I am going to do this. The mileage is my commitment, I want to advance beyond the 3-5 mile range. I have stayed there for a few years and I am really looking to see what I can do. So right now, I am going to build my base up all over again, trust in myself, and once the consistency sets in and I feel like my entire body has become acclimated enough (particularly the soft tissues and tendons) - then I will begin adding more than 5 miles in. I am so excited for this notion.

I will continue doing yoga alongside this - it is good for both performance, maintenance, and of course, who can live without YOGA?!!??!

But putting running into the forefront of my workout routine again (feels blissful, for one) and for two, it also opens up more time in my life for the rest of the stuff that is important to me. Men. Studying Deacon role. My dogs. My house, making it better. My family. All of those things need time, and with the Issaquah job and the teaching, I need to pack more stuff in shorter amounts of time. Perhaps one day Rite of Sol (even if I am just a crew member, I don't care!!! I'm going to be involved if they'll have me! Mop the floors. Wipe the ass of the crew. Doesn't matter). The ideal, I think - is if they would use me for pretty movement pieces. But who knows! I just want to be a part of it, and have since the very beginning (Rite of Luna). I just wasn't able to prior. Felt like the universe was standing in my way. Now I wish I had.

All good. Whatever the case, my friends are talented - and I am proud of both Melissa and Jon for being a driving force behind some truly amazing rock operas.
It really does blow my mind.

And of course, everyone else involved.

Tonight, Jim and I got many things accomplished. First, we went to the dealership to tie up some loose ends. They had my new plates, got them, and a check reimbursing some of my registration. Yippee!!! A check. And then I whined about the tinting appointment. They agreed to get it in tomorrow. And then we whined about how the oil change people decided they weren't willing to honor my car. Soooo........ Jim bitched more, because they were only going to reimburse me $151 for it, he convinced them to write me a $200 check to cover a full year's oil changes. This is coming to me tomorrow when I drop Sunshine off to get her shades on. ;)

I hope this looks good, and not gaudy. We'll see. And after tomorrow I can pick my nose in my car all I want again. I was really missing that feature of Classy. Just kidding. hehehehe.

Oh yeah. Then we went and had chickenwings at WingDome. We tried to find the pizza place that we had our first date at (it was the only thing open after Jim's Gamestop shift the night we met up). I think it finally shut down, sad. Seeing as our 6 year anniversary is on Saturday. It is okay, we were like 2 doors down from where it was.

AND THEN, we went to Macy's to take back the court outfit that wasn't quite right. As in, blazer sleeves were too short and the skirt had a tiny rip in the ass. I was pissed about that. The whole ensemble was AWESOME. And now there isn't anything there that I like. CRAP. I will have to go back and look again, for our second court date in June. (It has been post poned). And then it will look like I have expensive clothes galore seeing as I will definitely have another outfit by the time late June rolls around for this occassion....!!!

OH, And then....... I had to buy cute sandals because my feet have been suffocating and I am now sick of buying shitty shoes that I do not like. And I will wear them to work and if anyone gives me shit for having feminine stuff, they can suck it. Because I am a girly girl, even if I work in IT. Fuck off.

:D Happy times. I would write about my awful Sunday, but I am too happy right now.

And then I ran tonight before I came to write this and was proud that I didn't use the 15 excuses I could have, to get out of it. 9PM, I was strong and just relaxed. Wham bam, the miles done. Happy.

-Angela

May is coming, and with May, time off is coming. I need it desperately. I’m sensitive right now. Easily harmed through unintended means by those around me. One could call it Moody. I don’t believe I am typically Moody, because this past 2 weeks has shown me what Moody really looks like. Jim – what you experience living with me doesn’t count ;) (It’s okay, he doesn’t read this shit I write anyway.)

So, I was all ready to be relaxed and allow myself space to memorize deacon stuff on my own capacity. The best I can do. And then a syntax – writing error caused me to think someone thought I shouldn’t even be in the OTO (I’m not pointing fingers, this is just how the moody idiot in me processed commentary) if I have a fear of memorizing.

I was quite happy and cheerful for a minute when I realized I was picking up the first collect, “the Sun” pretty quickly. My Bikram memorizing was already coming in handy! The pain staking hours of torture in and out of the Yoga room were paying off somewhere else also! My investment! My thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours were coming through for me again!!!!!!

And then I misunderstood about someone else misunderstanding me, and my heart sank and I returned for a few hours, to my usual self. Lower cased “s” in self. The self that abuses me, the self that tells me that I’m a loser – that only the real intellects deserve to go on these journeys. BULLSHIT> self imposed lies. I am worthy of this.

I am 110% worthy of it, and there is nothing wrong with what I have upstairs. This is an affirmation I will be working on as much as possible.

Speaking with Jim, again to bring him up – he informed me that MAYBE, just maybe – everyone is supportive of me and that my response, reactions, and feelings are a product of a high level of pressure on me, of STRESS. A ton of things going on, teaching, working at Issaquah, balancing my hours to try and handle social security office visits, getting my elderly Grandpa out of the house to deal with them, being told to come back more than once from those DMV flunkies, managing a reverse lookup situation with every single bill, one by one – for my grandparents. Getting to the bank, dealing with all kinds of business. Balancing a lack of time to clean my house, the messy house part is something that makes me feel out of control with my life, even if I am quite in control of my life, it's just that when my house is messy, I feel awful – simultaneously taking on way too many classes in the last 2 weeks teaching the yoga – managing a minor injury preventing me from my usual coping mechanisms. The crazy that is held at bay by working out so regularly.

And then some. More, there’s more and I can’t list it all out. A restless anger was boiling beneath the surface all last week.

And so Jim mentioned, indicated one thing: and Now? On top of all this, you want to enact more spiritual growth and you’re unsure of how this will go for yourself – and you wonder why you are reacting, being human?

It was a rather sweet moment of him, it made me realize how important his support is. He never once gives me shit for being more involved in other things outside of he and I. He is very flexible with our time.

Needless to say, May is coming.
In May, I take off for Los Angeles to visit teacher training,!!!! to be reunited with my bestie Katty from Vancouver and Lacy from Vegas (Lacy, I know her less than Katty) from May 9-12th.) Don’t burgle my house, folks, Jimmers will be home and yes, he has a Mossburg.
If you don’t know what a Mossburg is… nevermind.

Following this trip, I am driving Sunshine up across the border to meet Aussie Joel from May 21-24th or something like that, to Vancouver, with my new passport, and will also see Katty again. (Seriously. I'm stoked.) If I am lucky, the sun will be out and I can drop the top the whole way up to the border, ey?

The time off Issaquah is very needed, I am beginning to see. And my closest bit of peace will happen later this month, April.

Jim and I celebrate 6 years together on April 21st. Six Years!!! Yeay! We will be taking a long weekend to go to Mossyrock, WA to some bed and breakfast place I don’t know – I booked it through a groupon like thing. I look forward to it a lot, and I think WE, he and I - really could use a chance to get away.

Also given my new commitment to Deacon study, and life at large, I refuse to take on more than what my standard classes have been.

Extra cash is great, but not if I’m going to hate my life, and certainly not at the cost of DeaconStudy. (First and foremost the new studying,) And also, my students deserve me teaching from my heart, and not out of any other obligation. I have in the past, given a lot of thought (I overthink everything, seriously) as to why this part time teaching right now is how I do it.

The teaching for the most selfless way possible for me, is part of it. This is why I do not teach full time, and why I do not intend on, at this time, making Teaching yoga my livelihood.

As for more coverage for other teachers; not unless I am really in the mood, and then I refuse to take on more than 4 classes in a week anymore. I want to help people out so much, that sometimes I can be *persuaded* into covering a class for somebody here or there, even and in spite of the fact teaching the class doesn't actually work so well for me. This happened twice in two weeks with a couple of different classes, including causing me to take on an extra mentor class. (Not what I need, really). I won't write how I personally feel about mentorship. It wouldn't be a good public statement.

4 is my magic number for teaching on the side of Issaquah. Quite frankly, I will not be keen on covering the 830PM classes particularly for people. Maybe once in a great while. It is just too much difficulty and drains me, when I have a work day the next day. I get in to the office at Issaquah between 715-730AM. It used to 7, but then I kept pushing it back.

I am trying to get it closer to 7AM again. It all depends on my snooze button. *sheepish face*
Regardless. The last 2 weeks have taught me my teaching limit on the side of my FT job. I don’t get any time for me, decompression time, anything – when I teach as much as I have been. The paycheck will be great. I am considering getting my brother a VISA gift card so he can book a massage appointment with the most awesome masseuse ever with some of the extra cash. He needs it!!!!!

How grateful I am to have him back with the family and being true to himSelf … he is going to be such a strong guy after all this personal crap he has been facing last decade. I am proud of him. And I adore him as a person. He is a good man.

He deserves the best, and I can see he is getting closer to that every week. Happiness is important.

That is why I won’t be taking on that many 830pm classes in a row ever again. It is making me unhappy, fast.

-Angela

PS. And now I know why I proof read my blog 20 times normally. Guess yesterday I squeezed it in, posted, and did not proof read. Go figure. And I doubt I will proof read this 20 times either due to working at work. Go figure.

You ever have those days where you'd like to pull the covers over your head and avoid the importants? I've been having those for like 1.5 weeks. :)
Oh. But be sure to come to my 830pm class tonight. ;) It will be alright. Really. This too, shall pass.

-Angela

I spend an insurmountable amount of time contemplating something useless: my own intelligence. Firstly, as a Yogini, I very well know not to compare myself against myself or others. It’s a fruitless pursuit, and countless (SERIOUSLY) hours on the mat have taught me this. Today, I feel ready to drop that fruitless pursuit regarding the intelligence. Who cares if I am slow memorizing? It’s not a race. Who cares if I don’t know what the fuck I am doing in the OTO right away? It’s not a race. How about stop WORRYING about it, and allow it to happen organically. Forcing it to happen? Bad juejue.

Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.

The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”

Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but – not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination – it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.

I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.

-Angela

I am preparing a running schedule soon. I miss it so.very.much, and have not been making it my priority. It’s been 3 years of stagnation in my mileage and speed. I am mostly looking to add miles. The runner in me is restless. I can do better without hurting myself, absolutely. Once my hamstring behaves and is 93% healed. Maybe even 99% healed. I am dying to finally progress. And it all starts with consistency, and weeks and weeks of slow progression. So I am drawing up a schedule. If I need to get up early to accomplish it; I will.
I really like a schedule; but it must also be flexible. This is how I have found my best success.
Later I will begin alternating Yoga weeks with the CT (strength) training weeks. Right now I am taking a strength training hiatus due to it being very lower body intensive. I may have to do upper body separate. Jury is out. I was just getting my guns back when I strained my hamstring but I do it a full body Circuit and always have, and haven't adjusted to more Upper only in my CT...

For April I need to make it happen, so I have drawn up something that looks very cool. Also noted when I run more, I actually get more time to do other things. It takes a lot less time than Yoga unfortunately. I figure on my SUPERB weeks, I will hit up the yoga studio as much as possible on wildcard days.

This is mostly for me, because I am quite sure no one else cares.
Rundown:

Sunday RUN
Monday YOGA
Tuesday RUN
Wednesday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/Slowly retroduce CT
Thursday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Friday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Saturday RUN

Wildcard days are designed for my flexibility situation.
I want at least 3 days definite runs per week, and as for my yoga schedule. Yes, it’s taking a hit for now. This is definitely a lot less Yoga than my typical situation. I know.
I will try to get in the studio as much as possible on the wildcard days – mostly designed to allow flexibility with the other shit going on.
Any time I can squeeze a yoga class in on a Run day is all the better, also. But I won't put that in the schedule as it's only a bonus situation to make me get some yoga in. The more yoga the better, as always.

Perhaps later I will make a Deacon schedule to force myself to start memorizing or figuring out how to make steps towards Mass involvement.
All in due time. My path to that is obviously quite slow and stately.

That’s all.
Another boring workout post.

-Angela

Brilliant contrasts in my life at the moment. I can’t say I mind it. I have my city job, tech support. I have my Yoga Teaching, healing and connection to my fellow humans. Both are about connection – and yet one feels pretty disconnected until you put my personality into it. I think city government has its share of disconnection. Or maybe that’s how I feel about all the changes happening here at the city. A lot of disconnection… Stressful times here, I can’t deny – and my department isn’t even under the heat. I think it is the fact there is a new city administrator and he has now begun implementing changes that a massive 1 year long brainstorming session has brought to him.

I want to be here, that is certain. I’ll continue to roll with the intuitive sense that has given me everything, and I mean everything – I needed in the right time. I’m just here to say it’s a little bit of a stressful time to be an employee here. Layoffs, people butting their heads’ into different places, cut throat “I’m important, look at why,”s all over. That’s all I will say on this, specifically. And I feel it. I go all over the city; I touch every department in my work. I like it that way – a lot, but sometimes it has its downsides.

Drama and relentlessness. I have been here 10 years now.
When I leave and go directly to teach some yoga – it amazes me the feelings I have. Starkly contrasting. Maybe that’s where the contrast is. I just love how it feels to connect with students and I love how when I have a rough day at Issaquah, it turns around the moment I step off the podium from teaching. It erases everything, resets everything – even if the things that come out of my mouth aren’t as smooth as they could be, I find myself smiling anyway and not taking a single thing seriously – as long as my students get their yoga and I am doing my best, that is enough to make me smile, to make me relax. It takes energy, definitely – but it’s a labor of love. And when I say a labor of love, I mean all dimensions of this. There’s not quite a way to put it into words.

I’ve taught quite a few classes now – not quite as much as the full time teachers who came down from my training – but more than some of my fellow trainees also.
I’m accepting myself as a teacher and what I have to offer and my personality that shines through the dialogue and the methods that work for me when I am up there. Maybe sometimes I lose the words at times, but most of the time I find I step up there and the dialogue is behind me, ushering me forward and giving me just what I need to give my students what they need.

I love it, I love it, I love it.
This even so – I am not particularly keen on the notion of leaving my position at the City for this job. It is not the path for me right now – if ever. A lot of people think it must be all or nothing. I know I went to a more than average intensive training to do this. This was for me, and also for my students. Weekend certifications linger all over, but what good is something that you don’t work for? HIGHEST LEVEL OF QUALIFICATION - is key for me. And an actual Yoga lineage.

I can say with utmost certainty I worked harder than I’ve worked for anything to get this Bikram Yoga Teaching Certification. I gave more sweat, tears, ups and downs, self realization moments than anything else I’ve ever tried to do. I gave more of my personal time and cash, disconnection from my whole universe… I kept a few threads of ties back home, but for the most part I did allow myself the immersion of the YogaPlanet that Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy, and his staff creates at every training.

So while I did this, and it’s unusual – it was never the idea for sure to leave my day job and go do this. Do I want to drive all over this area to catch classes at 5 different studios, push push push to make it happen and earn 1/3 busting my ass doing that – 1/3 of my income than I do here? I learned for the first time ever the “push, push, push” element of life flow, is not the same as pushing in Camel pose. At all. Or would I rather be busy in the happiest, predictable ways – earning even more money than I would at Issy alone – helping me recoup the financial burden that going to training did pose? Pardon the pun there.

No, the Karma Yoga aspect of teaching without feeling I must rely on it for full time income really takes a lot of pressure off in certain aspects – and is in alignment with what I want to do right now. And in other aspects, it creates more for obvious 1.5 jobs reasons. But then again – envision that I have now diversified my skill-sets and this is one more piece of insurance for the rest of my life I carry. I have another skill outside of IT should I ever need to make it on that alone. It’s not about leaving the IT industry… it’s not about sticking with it… it’s just about taking myself where I feel is right, and right now everything is happening Right for me.

I’ve invested a long time waiting for shit to align. It was in 2007 when I first started feeling like shit fell apart and needed a course correction. So I thought I would train to enter police academy. I gave this my 120% effort. Until in 2008, early – right before I went to test and would have passed because I was a fucking workout machine (in every way you can imagine, seriously – fuck modesty, I had it going on) – the knee injury happened. April 2008. This changed everything. The real course redirection happened. 2 years of holding pattern, frustration, very slow and steady shifts that would one day take me to the notion that I should give up on later going to teacher training. Only for 2011 to come along and blow me out of the water with the opportunity of 10 years vacation time and the off chance my boss APPROVED and his bosses – the vacation from the last 10 years remaining on the books – to be taken at once, giving me the open and clear way to head to Teacher Training Fall 2011.
Now everything is referenced – as before TT Fall 2011, and After. Well! I’ll be damned!!! Rather, Blessed.
So my course re directions kept me here at Issaquah and I had no idea why, for a long time. Hind-sight, sitting in a hotel room (room 453, Radisson LAX, to be precise) I pieced together some mysteries that eluded me for months and months and maybe painstaking weeks in the years prior.

I’ve learned from this. Things are how they are sometimes – to set you up for a better deal than you could have imagined. I don’t fight for shit, but work with the flow and push at the right times, now.

Some of my friends at TT bitched and moaned, but I was just in awe of what was happening to me, in spite of some of the worst moments of TT. There were some hum-dinger shitty moments, and without my external threads, the support networks, I might have literally gone insane. Flying Jim in for weekend #4, I think it was… who knows. It was well worth the cash to do that.

At times I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself during the TT process. At times I wish I really knew how to let things go and stop worrying about how fast everyone else learned and how slow I learned… but hey, that’s a major issue I have.
I think I’m slower than everyone else. But I have some shit together and I can’t complain and now I’m a teacher and people thank me and smile on their way out the door from my class with genuine appreciation behind those smiles. I’m changing lives through bringing the yoga to people so they can change their lives through their own practices.
This is why I wanted to become a teacher. And I’m doing it.
Maybe that’s why I feel so much joy – I know I’m doing what I wanted to do, the underlying alignment behind it all. I’m growing, myself - the whole time and I can’t help it. I love being around people, I love talking to people, working with people. Sometimes people hurt me, a lot – because I care so much about people. I’m not one of these folks doing the Yoga Teaching for my aggrandizement … it’s a form of generosity that I specifically feel is my Karma Yoga.

The generosity of Bikram Yoga is that it frees people up to live their True Will, as I see it. It’s 110% this. And if standing up and giving people my energy with the dialogue and my heart with the dialogue is how I can affect people to reach their True Will………..

This is what makes me so very happy.

-Angela

Solitude, 100%. Heady oxygenated rush – no one telling me how, what, alignment, words – just my music and me. I could have run forever tonight. Except I know my tendons, ligaments, and I know that my muscles and lungs will carry me a lot further than my soft tissue without more regular runs; through the experience of my past. Cold, but I was on the move. In and out breath, barely noticed myself moving forward. I see that my brain needs the freedom; my heart and extroverted self needs the solitude. No one there, no one judging me, my thoughts unbridled. No stress, nothing. Just all for me. I’m definitely a runner a heart.
Every ecstatic moment unto its own beauty. Run and run and run, no Dialogue, just me and my legs. Me and my music. Me and my thoughts. On and on, time flying by. How could I have been SO BUSY lately that I forgot how important running is to me?

That is all.

-Angela

I have been in good spirits until I came home today, from work. Power out, Amber puking on the couches, it’s cold in here, and my idea of soup is not gonna work out, for some reason my gas stove won’t light. While pick-axing my car out of shrinkwrapped ice, and putting out some city fires because the weather has been unkind to Issaquah – clearly, not snow being an issue, but ICE, weighing down trees and screwing things up – I get kinda cranky. The puked on dog blankets and towels cannot be washed; there’s no power for my washer. So my house smells like puke, is freezing, and to top it off, Jim will be working a 12 hour shift at the hospital. Lovely. I do find out if I teach the 630pm class tonight in another 30 minutes or so, and if so – well, maybe that will not be so bad. Seeing as it’s cold here. I could go back to the office or stay home and be on call – as Chris put it. It took me 20 minutes leaving the house to de-shrink wrap Classy – who does fine in the snow, and then another 20 minutes on the way back up the hill to check on the animals (I think Amber is stressed or something, I have no idea why the puke session). … and have lunch. I guess Issy has no power. None of Issy. Well. At the very least, I look forward to Jimmers coming home. But it’s a bummer he isn’t off at his usual 2pm. It’ll be 6pm, he works 6-6 today, and considering the ungodly hour he got up so he could make it to Edmonds’Swedish on time….well, I feel even worse for the lad. That’s a long, tiring shift to begin with, not including a fucked up commute. Tis ok. Sure – it will pass. But I remember 5 years ago when the power was out in Issaquah for 5 days during the snow. Now let me tell you about cold and blah. Currently, at my parents’ house, they have clocked the snow in over 12 inches deep. Nice. No. It's not the snow that annoys me. It is the fact that it is fucking up my usual life routine. Simply put. Gimme my soup back!!! Also noted, the battery on this will last only so long; it goes faster because the aircard is plugged in. Thus giving me my last bit of intarwebs.

I am ready for the heat wave to come and melt away the drama. Cuz my hands are cold, bitches. :D

-Angela

6 classes are on my schedule for this yoga teaching week for me. I am so happy about this. Last time I taught 6 in a 4 day span, my teaching changed and I stopped sounding as rough around the edges when I replayed my recording of my classes.

On Thursday - weather permitting, begins my Yoga teaching week. YogaMonday. It's equipped with an immediate mentor class, which is fitting for a Monday. One of those things that I detest. Rates up there with root canals and a punch in the face. That's okay! I'm muddling through mentor-ship. I look forward to this week, I teach a double on Saturday and a double on Sunday. It's a shitty deal that my first class of the week is the "mentor" class, but it is what it is. I tend to warm up and get words back loaded into my brain, even though I study during the week. Sometimes.

This week I haven't been studying as much, even if I was ambitious last week. I can't deny it. I fully enjoyed stepping away, 100%, last weekend. 3 day weekend, blissful.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday were hard to get back into gear.
I think my brain is struggling sometimes to stay focused on studying when I get a spare minute. It's okay though.

Been pretty happy lately... got some great friends around, having the right relationship experiences for this period of my life - not overdoing it. It seems a friend of mine said he would imagine I'd have the pick of the men I'd want. This wasn't really something that I felt I had. And yet ever since I went away to TT, it's like my clear everything (chakras, life purpose, commitment, whatever) is causing me to be more attractive than I think I have ever been in my life. It has nothing to do with the physical, but people have been drawn to me lately. I'm so unused to it, so unprepared, all of it. Men abound. This isn't bad. My fragile ego could use a boost. It's becoming less fragile, after all. Teaching, with all its perils, is changing me. TT did change me. And yet I only have time and energy for a select amount of relationship/interaction/whatever the fuck you want to call it - with men. There's my main squeeze, Jim - the wonderful, who is actually a lot less in regards of energy to maintain at times... and one other person. I'm honestly not interested, nor have the energy, focus, inclination to expand beyond this currently. I need time to study, I need time to teach, I need time to work, and while it appears I'm attractive and desirable to a number of people that I may or may not find engaging in this fashion, I simply do not have more of me to go around. Take that as nastily as you like. Also, I've always been a simple creature in this respect. This is why while I've been poly a long time, there has always been that frequent rumor about my monogamous nature. Hahaha.

*shrugs* What can I say... but who knows. I also hate that I have so much propensity for relationship access (it feels weird even writing about this in a way, but here it is, like always, out in the open) and yet Jim is kind of on the down side of that. He claims the women out there in the poly community are not nearly as attractive as the men that I have available. I'm not so sure this is true. There's me, after all..........

None the less. When you sit in your house, on your computer, for most of your off hours - rather than spending months immersed in variant communities, both poly and not poly - communities, well. You get what you get. And yet the disparity still remains. I try not to worry too heavily on this; that issue is definitely his personal issue. But it remains - I will always care, and that is the issue. I care a lot about his feelings. ;)

And while you could say my crowds are suited to this situation - I find it is also a numbers game, just like monogamous dating. Not that I play games, and not that it is about numbers. It is sheer happenstance for me, and at times I felt I would remain single'y poly. Meaning, just with my main squeeze. *(I hate the term primary partner.......I donno why).
Also, lately - I am managing to see friends that matter to me, all kinds of friends. Perhaps my study time suffers, but my heart doesn't for these friends build me a solid, contented place from which to draw my energy off of. And lastly, I am managing my workouts the best I can, trying to maintain my own practice, run a little, CT a little. Nuts. I tell you. Nuts.
So, it's been blowing my mind the number of men interested, and it is all because I am out living my life, feeling my purpose, and happy to touch the lives of others - completely preoccupied with life rather than dating. That is for certain. And what does "dating" mean anyway? Classification gets messier and messier if you get too attached to it. That's also certain.

Some days, I am so busy. I know I am miserable when I am not busy. This also is true. And I have a lot of ambitions that are in the pike for 2012. Honestly. I'm terrified in a sense. I want to get more involved in the Mass team, I want to deacon. But also, I am really, seriously considering attempting the whole "Rite of Sol" involvement this year. I'm not sure how, what, or where in my right mind I think I can do all of this. But I actually, truly, think I can find a way to make it all happen. I keep putting that positive affirmation out there, and truly believing inside, deep down too. Does that make me clinically insane? Memorize, memorize, memorize. Memorize. Explosive things in my life. I'm sick of sitting on my spiritual journey and stuffing it into a box that is there "if I have time." When I was at TT, the first two weeks reminded me of how much I have been stuffing it into the background of my life. That is why these other two things are coming to the forefront... but how the fuck do I think I can do all this? I think I can. It's so very weird, but I think I can squeeze it all in. I guess that's my lot in life. I'm not satisfied unless I'm taking on things that are big, exciting, new, growth oriented. Sit me in a corner and leave me inside my house and I'll turn into a crazy lady. REALLY. Let me out and let me take on things that scare the shit out of me, feel above my level, and give me something to reach for... and I'm blissed out. Just don't criticize me. I'll bawl behind your back, smiling to your face. A weakness I have.

This year I am also very aware that I need to work on "getting out of my head." All the important and even some not so important people lately have been giving me the knowing eye ball look, and mentioning how "in my head," I am. Like. 6 different people in 2 weeks... look, Universe. I get it. I promise to work on it this year. 2012. Out of my mind. Get with getting out of my mind. Got it.

A big one? I'm also blown away by the quality of people in my life these days. It's been messing with my mind. I have some really amazing connections, and I am grateful for all of them. Everyday.

-Angela